Moving through criticism, sharing what matters to you, and building trust at your own pace. Inspired by Donna Jean Kendrick’s conversation with Dr. Jessica Higgins on Widow Wisdom and Wealth.

Dating after losing a spouse can bring feelings you did not expect to be navigating again.

There may be excitement. There may be hesitation. You might enjoy getting to know someone while also wondering how to explain the grief that is still part of your life.

And once a relationship begins to deepen, there are the conversations. How do you say that something hurt? What do you do when the other person sounds critical? How much of your story do you share, and when?

When Dr. Jessica Higgins joined me on Widow Wisdom and Wealth, we talked about those questions. Jessica hosts the Empowered Relationship Podcast and works with people on communication and connection in their relationships.

What I appreciated was how she brought the discussion into everyday moments. A conversation about work. A partner trying to connect while the other person is busy. A disagreement about something as ordinary as folding towels.

She helped us consider what might be underneath the words we use and how to make that meaning clearer.

Communicating better when dating after losing a spouse can begin with sharing a specific feeling or request, listening for what matters to the other person, and noticing how they respond when you take an emotional risk. Trust can develop gradually. You can be honest while retaining boundaries and choosing the pace that feels appropriate to you.

A New Relationship Can Bring Tender Questions to the Surface

During the episode, I shared that my self-worth was low in the early years after my husband’s death. When I began dating, I stayed in some relationships longer than was good for me because I was so happy to feel loved again.

There was criticism within those relationships, and I was also carrying dissatisfaction and questions about myself from earlier experiences.

I brought that into the conversation because it felt relevant to what some listeners may be navigating. After loss, wanting companionship and feeling uncertain about yourself can exist together.

That personal experience does not mean a person causes or deserves someone else’s harmful behavior. Each person remains responsible for how they treat another.

It does give us room to ask what kind of relationship we want now. How do we want conversations to feel? Can we disagree without being diminished? Can we share something important without feeling pressured or mocked?

You may also have years of familiarity with your late spouse that a new person does not share. The shorthand you once used may be unfamiliar to them. They may not know why a date, song, or routine matters so much.

Getting to know each other includes learning some of that context, at a pace that works for both people.

What Does Criticism Sound Like in a Relationship?

Jessica described a pattern in which someone tries to express pain by pointing toward what hurt them. The other person hears a judgment about who they are and responds defensively.

For example, a concern about a missed call can become a statement that the other person never cares or cannot be relied upon.

Now the conversation may focus on disputing that description. The person receiving it lists examples of caring. The person raising the concern feels that the original hurt has been overlooked.

Jessica called this a criticism-defensiveness loop. Both people may leave feeling dissatisfied, even though one began by wanting understanding or reassurance.

Her point was that the way we present a concern can obscure what we are hoping the other person will hear.

A specific issue gives the conversation a clearer starting point. You can discuss what happened, how it affected you, and what you would like to ask for. The other person still has their own perspective, but the discussion has something concrete to work with.

You may recognize this pattern with a partner, a relative, or a friend. The relationship and circumstances will affect how you choose to approach it.

There Is an Important Difference Between Conflict and Harmful Behavior

Jessica began our discussion by acknowledging that criticism exists across a range of behavior.

A difficult conversation between people who respect each other is different from repeated belittling, intimidation, humiliation, or efforts to control someone.

That distinction belongs in any discussion of becoming more vulnerable. You do not have to reveal more of yourself to someone who uses personal information to hurt or pressure you.

If you feel afraid of a person’s response, or find yourself changing your behavior to avoid threats or punishment, individual support can help you understand what is happening and consider your options. You do not need to treat that situation as a communication problem you must fix alone.

In this episode, the practical ideas about requests and curiosity were part of a conversation about building mutual connection. Their usefulness depends on the relationship and the behavior of both people.

You can pay attention to whether the other person takes responsibility for their conduct, respects your boundaries, and allows you to have a different view.

How they respond is information worth considering alongside the words they say.

Start With What You Want the Other Person to Understand

Jessica encouraged people to explore the feeling or need beneath a complaint.

You might be upset about a canceled plan, but what matters most is feeling that the time together had meaning. You might be frustrated about an unanswered message because you were uncertain about whether the evening was still happening.

Taking a little time to identify that meaning can make the request clearer.

Here is an illustrative example, rather than a story from the episode: instead of saying that a partner never makes time for you, you could explain that you had been looking forward to the evening, felt disappointed when plans changed, and would like to arrange another time together.

That gives the other person something more specific to hear and respond to.

It does not require minimizing the concern. You can still say that repeated cancellations are difficult for you. You can ask for what you need and decide how their response affects your choices.

Jessica described this as leading with a vulnerable reveal or request. What stood out to me was the opportunity to make the emotional meaning visible, rather than hoping the other person will infer it from frustration.

Being Honest Does Not Mean Sharing Everything at Once

One of the most useful images Jessica offered was a swimming pool.

At the beginning of getting to know someone, you are in shallower water. You share interests, experiences, and lighter conversations. At some point, someone offers something more personal, and the response helps determine whether to go deeper.

That felt like a helpful way to think about dating after widowhood.

You may want someone to understand that you still grieve. You may also want to choose when you discuss the circumstances of your spouse’s death or the experiences that followed.

You can share a small amount and notice the response. Does the person listen? Can they accept that you are not ready to say more? Do they seem interested in understanding without demanding details?

You can also ask whether it is a good time for a more personal conversation. Both people may need space and attention to participate well.

Gradual openness gives you opportunities to learn about one another. Your boundaries can remain part of that process.

A person can appreciate your honesty and still need time to understand. What matters is how that uncertainty is handled between you.

What If the Criticism Is Directed at You?

I asked Jessica about the other side of the conversation: what happens when you are the person receiving the criticism?

She acknowledged how difficult it can be to stay curious when the description does not feel accurate. Even in her own relationship, she can notice defensiveness appearing.

Her first consideration was whether she has the capacity to pause and remain interested in what the other person is experiencing.

Sometimes a moment to breathe may help you decide how to respond. Sometimes you may need to say that you want to continue the discussion after a break.

If the conversation feels safe and manageable, you can ask what the situation means to the other person. You might reflect that it sounds important to them and ask what they hoped would happen.

That is different from agreeing with a hurtful label or accepting blame for something you did not do. You can acknowledge a feeling while also clarifying your own experience.

For example, you may understand that someone felt disappointed while still explaining that you disagree with their account of the conversation.

The intention is to make room for both perspectives and identify the concern worth discussing. It is not a requirement to absorb disrespect in order to demonstrate empathy.

Ask About the Meaning Behind a Request

Jessica shared a moment from her marriage in which her husband was describing difficulties at work. She understood the facts, but felt that something about their importance was still missing.

When she asked whether he felt unsupported, he said yes. Understanding that meaning changed how she connected with what he was telling her.

She also used an example involving towels folded a particular way. The preference might seem arbitrary until the person explains that it reminds them of how their grandmother did things and helps them feel at home.

The request stays the same, but you understand more about why it matters.

In a new relationship after loss, there may be many preferences with a history behind them. A tradition, photograph, household routine, or holiday arrangement can carry meaning another person cannot see.

You can ask about that meaning before assuming it. The person can tell you whether your guess fits, and you can share your own context as well.

Understanding does not mean every preference must be accommodated exactly as requested. It gives you more information for the conversation about what is workable for both people.

What Is Emotionally Focused Therapy?

During the episode, we clarified an acronym that can be confusing: EFT.

The approach Jessica was discussing was Emotionally Focused Therapy. It is different from Emotional Freedom Techniques, sometimes called tapping.

The International Centre for Excellence in Emotionally Focused Therapy describes EFT as an approach to psychotherapy grounded in attachment theory. It focuses on emotional needs and patterns of interaction, with forms used for individuals, couples, and families. Source: ICEEFT.

Jessica described how this perspective can help couples examine what happens when they feel threatened or disconnected. The aim is to understand the pattern and the feelings beneath protective reactions, then work toward different ways of connecting.

Learning about the approach can help you ask questions if you are considering professional support. You can ask a therapist about their training, how they assess whether the approach fits, and what the work would involve.

The ideas discussed in a podcast are educational. A professional working with you can consider your history, circumstances, and safety when deciding how to proceed.

Recognizing the Pattern When One Person Reaches and the Other Withdraws

Jessica described one pattern in which a person seeks more discussion or reassurance while the other becomes quiet or pulls back.

The first person may interpret the silence as a lack of care. The other may feel overwhelmed or concerned that speaking will make the situation worse. Their reactions can then reinforce each other’s concerns.

These were examples of possible experiences, rather than a diagnosis of every disagreement or personality. You cannot know what another person’s silence means without learning more.

Jessica’s emphasis was on exploring the feelings beneath the visible response. Is someone worried about disappointing their partner? Are they uncertain about whether the relationship matters to the other person?

For widows and widowers, the context of loss may be part of those conversations. You can explain what you notice in yourself without assuming the other person experiences the moment in the same way.

If the pattern repeatedly leaves you unable to communicate, professional support can help you examine it. Both people’s experience deserves attention, and an interpretation should remain open to correction.

Let Grief Have a Place in a New Relationship

Jessica recognized that grief can appear during an ordinary day. A song, a phrase, or a memory may bring your spouse to mind when you are spending time with someone new.

You then have a choice about whether to share something, wait for another moment, or keep it private.

That choice can be guided by how much you want to say and how the relationship has developed. You might simply explain that something reminded you of your spouse and that you are feeling sad for a moment.

There may also be conversations about traditions, children, family relationships, or objects that remain important to you. You can discuss them as part of helping the new person know your life.

Their response can help you learn whether grief is something the relationship has room for. Can they listen without making the memory a competition? Can they respect that your past relationship remains meaningful?

You can also listen to questions they have, while retaining your own boundaries. Developing understanding may take more than one conversation.

You do not need to remove your history to participate honestly in the present.

These Ideas Can Also Apply to Family and Friends

Although our discussion centered on intimate relationships, I also asked Jessica about extended family and other connections after loss.

Those relationships can change. You may be trying to remain close to your late spouse’s family, explain new decisions, or respond to advice that feels difficult to receive.

A specific request can help clarify what kind of support you want.

Here is another illustrative example: if a relative keeps offering opinions about a decision, you could explain that you appreciate their concern and would prefer them to listen while you describe what you are considering.

You can also say that a subject is something you are handling with the appropriate professional or that you are not ready to discuss it.

The relationship’s history matters. You may choose a conversation, a firmer boundary, or less engagement depending on how the person responds.

Jessica’s emphasis on clearer meaning gives us something to consider in those exchanges. You can make your request understandable while recognizing that another person’s response remains their responsibility.

Communication Is Something You Can Keep Practicing

Jessica shared that these ideas are still a practice within her own marriage, even after more than 20 years together.

She described being occupied with a task and responding practically when her husband was reaching for connection. It was a small example that made the discussion feel human.

You can miss the meaning of a moment even when you care deeply about someone. You may recognize it later and choose to return to the conversation.

That might involve explaining that you were distracted, asking what they wanted to share, or restating a concern in a way that better reflects what you meant.

The other person’s willingness to do that work matters, too. Building connection involves responses from both people, including how they handle mistakes and boundaries.

After widowhood, you may be learning a new person’s habits while also discovering what you want in this part of your life. You can give that process time and seek support when a conversation feels difficult to navigate.

Begin With One Conversation You Want to Have More Clearly

My conversation with Jessica left me thinking about how often we hope someone will understand the meaning behind what we say without actually explaining it.

Sometimes we need reassurance. Sometimes we want someone to listen. Sometimes we are asking for a practical change. Making that clearer can give a respectful relationship more to work with.

If you are dating after losing a spouse, perhaps there is one thing you would like the other person to understand better. You can consider what you want to share, what you want to ask for, and whether the relationship has shown enough care for that conversation.

You can go gradually. You can keep boundaries. And you can pay attention to whether the connection you are building gives both people room to be heard.

Listen to Donna Jean Kendrick’s full conversation with Dr. Jessica Higgins on Widow Wisdom and Wealth.

For examples and reflection tools, explore Jessica’s Shifting Criticism for Connected Communication guide. You can also find the Empowered Relationship Podcast and information about her work at DrJessicaHiggins.com.