Supporting your children, working with the adults who help care for them, and making room for your own needs. Inspired by Donna Jean Kendrick’s conversation with Michael Flores on Widow Wisdom and Wealth.

After your spouse dies, parenting continues in the middle of everything else.

There are lunches to pack, school forms to sign, and children who still need you at bedtime. There are also questions you may not know how to answer and moments when your own grief arrives while you are trying to help someone else with theirs.

You may have relatives helping you. Perhaps a grandparent is staying during the week so you can work. Perhaps you are building a new relationship and wondering how to introduce that person to your children.

You want to do well by your family. You may also feel that you are learning how to parent all over again.

When Michael Flores joined me on Widow Wisdom and Wealth, we talked about those changing relationships and responsibilities. Michael is a licensed professional counselor and the founder of Brighter Possibilities Family Counseling. His work with families includes divorce, co-parenting, and other significant transitions.

He also brings personal experience of childhood loss. His mother died when he was very young, and his father raised him with help from extended family. Later, Michael experienced several blended-family relationships as his family changed.

What stayed with me was his focus on understanding what a child needs and helping the adults around that child work toward a shared purpose.

Parenting through grief after losing a spouse can involve listening to your children, reconsidering household routines, clarifying the roles of people who help, and seeking support for yourself as well. You can begin with one part of family life that feels difficult, rather than trying to resolve everything at once.

Your Family Is Adjusting Together, Even When Everyone Needs Something Different

Michael described looking at each family as a system. He considers the relationships around the person in front of him, including the way family members communicate and respond to change.

That perspective feels particularly relevant after widowhood.

A child may be grieving a parent. The surviving parent is grieving a spouse while taking on unfamiliar responsibilities. A grandparent may be grieving an adult child or helping the family through a loss that affects them, too.

Everyone is connected to the same event, but each person brings a different relationship and experience to it.

You may need quiet while your child wants reassurance. You may feel relieved by practical help while also finding it difficult to have another adult involved in everyday parenting decisions.

Those differences deserve attention. You can care deeply about one another and still need help understanding how to work together in changed circumstances.

Michael’s approach was to ask about the family as it actually functions. Who is involved? What is happening between people? What does each person need the counselor to understand?

That can be a useful place to begin your own conversation about support. The details of your household matter, including the people who are doing the daily work.

What Does Your Child Need From You Right Now?

Michael explained that, when working with families, he tells parents he will center his therapeutic recommendations on the child’s needs.

That can mean asking adults to consider something differently from the way they first imagined it. It also gives the work a shared starting point: helping the child.

For a surviving parent, that question can feel both important and difficult. You may be trying to protect your children from further pain while also keeping life moving.

You can ask what they want you to understand about how things feel at home, what is difficult during the day, or whom they would like to talk with. Some children may answer readily; others may need more time or a different way to communicate.

The National Child Traumatic Stress Network advises listening to children’s feelings and questions without forcing them to talk about the death. It also describes the value of predictable routines for children experiencing traumatic grief. That is support to adapt to a child’s needs, rather than an expectation that every child will respond the same way. Source: NCTSN childhood grief materials.

You can bring your questions to a counselor or your child’s healthcare professional. You do not need to arrive knowing exactly what your child needs in order to ask for help understanding it.

What Is Parental Alignment?

One phrase from our conversation felt worth bringing into more family discussions: parental alignment.

Michael used it to describe helping adults recognize the purpose they share, even when they differ about how to get there.

In his work with divorced parents, both may want their child to do well but disagree about the approach. He begins by identifying that shared goal, then works through the differences.

The idea also has a place in widowhood when other adults are helping raise your children.

Perhaps you and a grandparent both want the children to feel cared for, but disagree about bedtime or responsibilities. A new partner may want to be supportive while being unsure when to step into a parenting conversation.

You can start by describing what you want for the child. Then you can discuss the practical arrangement that might support it.

What should remain consistent? Who makes which decisions? How will the adults talk about a disagreement? What does the child need to hear clearly from everyone?

Those questions can reveal where people already agree and where something needs more attention. They also give you a way to discuss the situation without making every difference a judgment about who cares more.

Include the People Who Are Actually Helping Raise Your Children

During the episode, I brought up a situation I see in families: a grandparent becomes a regular caregiver but is rarely included in conversations about family counseling.

They may be living with the surviving parent during the week, handling school pickup, or helping with meals and homework. Their role has changed substantially.

That can create an adjustment for both generations. The grandparent who once visited and enjoyed the children now shares some daily responsibilities. The parent who appreciates the help may also be trying to preserve their own parenting role.

Michael recognized that dynamic from his childhood. His father relied on his grandparents after his mother’s death, and he remembered disagreements about parenting that unfolded in front of him.

He shared the story with humor, but the practical question was meaningful: How do caring adults support a child while respecting one another’s roles?

You can discuss what the person helping you is taking on, where they need guidance, and how you will communicate. There may also be household boundaries to clarify if someone is living with you.

If you seek family counseling, tell the counselor who provides regular care. Ask whether and how their involvement would be helpful. The appropriate structure depends on the family and the clinical work involved.

The person doing that daily care may have valuable context to share, as well as questions and needs of their own.

When Grief Changes the Way You Parent

I shared candidly with Michael that, after my husband died, I eased up on parenting expectations.

My children had lost their dad. We had moved. They were trying to find their place in a changed life. I wanted things to feel easier for them, and I had many reasons in my mind for letting expectations slide.

Later, as they grew older, I realized that I needed to revisit our routines and boundaries. Finding that footing again was difficult.

Michael talked about parents making choices from guilt: saying yes when they are uncertain, or trying to remove every difficulty because a child has already experienced so much pain.

I recognized something in that discussion. My intentions were loving. I was also trying to manage grief and parenting with less capacity than I had before.

If you see yourself in that, the useful next question is what your family needs now. What is working? What has become confusing? What expectation could be explained more clearly?

You can consider a routine or boundary with the support of a counselor who understands your children’s needs and your circumstances. Compassion and expectations can both have a place in the discussion.

The conversation is about finding a workable approach for your family. It does not require judging yourself for how you managed the first months or years after loss.

What Might Family Counseling Look Like?

I asked Michael to describe how he structures the work because uncertainty about the process can make it harder to begin.

Would everyone sit in one room? Would the child meet with him separately? Would the adults have time to explain their concerns?

His answer was that it depends on the family and the purpose of counseling. Some of his work involves court orders, which create requirements specific to those cases. Those circumstances are distinct from a family voluntarily seeking support after bereavement.

He described often beginning with the adults to understand the background and expectations, then meeting with the child separately to develop rapport. From there, he considers who should participate in subsequent sessions.

That is a description of his practice, rather than a fixed sequence every counselor will use.

In my own family’s experience after my husband’s death, I had individual support, the children had their own sessions, and we also met together. Later, the children sometimes returned to counseling and brought me into the discussion as needed.

If you are exploring counseling, ask how the professional works with bereaved families, how they determine who attends, and how they discuss privacy and communication with parents and children.

You can also ask about cost, scheduling, and where they are licensed to provide services. Understanding those practical details can make it easier to decide what fits your family.

Your Children May Return to Questions as They Grow

One observation I shared during the conversation was that what my children understood at eight felt different at twelve.

Their questions and experiences changed as they grew. Returning to counseling gave us an opportunity to talk through what had become important at that point in their lives.

You may notice a child asking something years after the death that they did not ask before. A milestone or a family change may bring a new conversation.

It can be helpful to stay open to hearing what the question means to them now, rather than assuming the earlier conversation covered everything they need.

The NCTSN’s bereaved-parent resource describes supporting children’s connections, making room for new traditions, and seeking help from professionals and community supports. Those possibilities can remain available as family needs evolve. Source: The Power of Parenting.

You can ask for support again when you want help understanding a new concern. Seeking another conversation does not require treating the earlier work as unsuccessful.

A child is growing, the family is changing, and there may be something new to consider together.

Looking Toward What You Hope Will Be Different

Michael discussed his use of solution-focused therapy. He described asking clients about their hopes and what they would notice if life began to feel more workable.

For someone occupied with a long list of difficulties, that kind of question can offer another way into a conversation.

You might want evenings to feel less tense. You may hope to talk with your teenager without every discussion becoming an argument. You may want the adults helping with childcare to understand one another better.

Describing that hope gives you something specific to discuss with the counselor.

It can also help clarify what you are already noticing. Is there a time of day when communication feels easier? What is different about it? Is there a small part of the week that works well for everyone?

These are questions to explore, rather than promises about how quickly therapy will produce change. A professional can help determine the approach appropriate to the people and concerns involved.

What I appreciated was Michael’s interest in the life his clients wanted to build, alongside the circumstances that brought them into the room.

Two Reflection Questions From Our Conversation

Michael named two practices he encourages: looking honestly at your own part in a situation and noticing something important you have been avoiding.

He described the first as a self-audit. I thought of it as a chance to ask, gently, what you could approach differently.

Perhaps you need more rest before trying to have a difficult conversation. Perhaps an expectation has never been explained. Perhaps you have been responding to a worry before hearing what your child is actually saying.

The second practice asks whether there is an issue you know deserves attention but have been putting off.

That might be asking for support, talking with a caregiver about a disagreement, or scheduling a consultation to understand counseling options.

Neither practice removes the need for professional care when it is appropriate. They are reflection prompts from Michael’s perspective, rather than a formula for avoiding therapy.

You can use them to identify one conversation worth having. When grief, exhaustion, or uncertainty makes that difficult, help with the conversation can be part of the next step.

Understanding Another Perspective Takes Care and Context

Michael also shared a clinical example involving a role-reversal exercise he calls the 4R Exercise.

In the case he described, a young person was asked to consider how her father might answer questions about their relationship. Michael reported that it opened a different perspective for her within that session.

The broader idea was about helping people understand experiences beyond their own. That can be valuable to discuss in counseling, especially when family members are having trouble hearing one another.

It was a clinician-guided intervention in a particular case. It should not be treated as an exercise to use at home to make a child agree with an adult or accept a relationship they find unsafe. A professional needs to understand the history, safety, and needs of the people involved.

For a surviving parent, a gentler starting point can be asking your child what they wish you understood and bringing that question into a supported conversation if needed.

You can want to understand someone better while still respecting their boundaries. The professional’s role includes considering which approach is suitable for that family.

New Relationships Can Bring New Family Questions

Michael’s work includes blended families and introducing new partners. We talked about how those subjects can also matter in widowhood.

You may be thinking about dating or have already met someone. Alongside your own feelings, you may wonder what the children need to know and what role the new person should have.

There can be questions about timing, routines, responsibilities, and how the family continues to remember the parent who died.

You can discuss those questions before expecting everyone to know how to navigate the change. Children and adults may have different hopes or worries, and a counselor can help you explore them in context.

The goal is to understand the people involved and make decisions with appropriate care. An existing household relationship, a new partner, or a grandparent helping with childcare may each require a different conversation.

Michael’s attention to the family system offered a useful reminder to look at those relationships individually as well as together.

Making Room for the Parent You Are Becoming

At the end of our conversation, Michael talked about his mission to help families communicate and interrupt patterns that cause harm.

That sense of purpose resonated with me. The work a family does today can influence how its members understand support, relationships, and asking for help in the future.

As a surviving parent, you are managing a life you did not expect. You may be working, raising children, grieving, and learning how to accept help at the same time.

There is room to ask questions about what your family needs now. There is room to reconsider a routine, clarify an adult’s role, or find support for a conversation that keeps becoming difficult.

You can begin with one concern and someone willing to help you understand it.

Perhaps the first question is: What would make this part of family life more manageable for us?

That is a worthwhile place to start.

Listen to Donna Jean Kendrick’s full conversation with Michael Flores on Widow Wisdom and Wealth.

Learn more about Michael at Brighter Possibilities Family Counseling. In the episode, he also discusses his book, One Question Away: 50 Therapeutic Questions to Change Everything, and his team’s podcast, Beyond Divorce: Embracing Change.